(Entering Triton Flats)
Zarpedon: I'm sorry, people of Elpis. This is the only way. (laser fires)
- Athena (if present): What the –
- Wilhelm (if present): Woah!
- Nisha (if present): What the hell?!
- Claptrap (if present): Woah!
- Jack2 (if present): Oh jeez!
- Aurelia (if present): He-llo!
Jack: Whoa! How did they know about... yeah, uh, I'll get back to ya.
Springs: What just happened? The whole ruddy moon shook!
Jack: Yeah, so uh, not good! Zarpedon's troops have taken control of the Eye of Helios! It's a big frickin' laser in the heart of the space station. She's targeting the moon's core. Try not to panic but, uh, she's trying to blow up Elpis.
(Approach gate to Crisis Scar)
SC4V-TP: Halt, moon citizen! I've been chosen to stand out here – far, far away from everyone else – to guard the main gate to the old communications facility. It's a VERY important duty, as I'm not to let ANYONE in through here! Unless, of course, you're here as fresh meat for the recruitment grinder!
- Athena (if present): I need to get inside.
- Wilhelm (if present): I want in.
- Nisha (if present): Whatever. How do I get inside?
- Claptrap (if present): Greetings, fellow CL4P-TP unit. I simply wish to gain entrance!
- Jack2 (if present): Uh huh. And how do I get inside?
- Aurelia (if present): And how am I to gain entrance to this hovel of halfwits?
SC4V-TP: Then prove yourself worthy of joining RedBelly's band of scavs!
SC4V-TP: Excellent! Get going, wannabe gang member! I shall brief you on the way! We're in a bloody war with a rival gang who call themselves the Darksiders. Cut a bloody swath through their ranks and steal the silly prism things carried around by their toughest warrior. Then, if you live, return to me here, where I am standing.
SC4V-TP: Oh yeahhh, I forgot to mention! Those Darksiders love overcharging their jump pads for some extra boost! Shoot the little box on the side of the jump pad and you'll get some extra zip!
SC4V-TP: You're not going to be joining ANY kind of gang at this rate!
SC4V-TP: Those Darksiders are still living it up, and you've done diddly-squat to stop them!
SC4V-TP: At this rate, you'll never join RedBelly's gang and become as feared and revered as I! Let me tell you all about how that came to pass: it was raining meteor showers, and I foolishly went without my umbrella. Sad to say I was hit. It changed me. In a miasma of unbridled fury I ferociously corrected the grammar of countless Moonlanders – sparing none! The rest is legend.
(Enter Darksiders base)
Magma Rivers: A stinkin' intruder! Probably one of RedBelly's! KILL 'EM!
(Engage Magma Rivers)
Magma Rivers: There you are! I'll send you to the DARK SIDE!
(Kill Magma Rivers)
SC4V-TP: Oh, and make sure you pick up those dumb prisms! RedBelly LOVES trophies!
(Enter top level)
Wally Wrong: I'll more than just numb ya! Hold still!
SC4V-TP: You're going to love RedBelly's Gang! It was runner-up in last year's Tork Eating Competition!
(Loot Wrong's prism)
Fair Dinkum: You ain't leaving here alive!
(Loot Dinkum's prism)
SC4V-TP: Wow! Color me impressed! Come on back!
(Talk to SC4V-TP)
SC4V-TP: You have proven yourself worthy, and your initiation is nearly complete! I've updated your ECHO with the location of a, uh... another entrance!
- Athena (if present): What's wrong with this gate?
- Wilhelm (if present): I'll just use this gate.
- Nisha (if present): But there's a gate right here.
- Claptrap (if present): My preference in this instance is to enter via the door right here!
- Jack2 (if present): Yeah, or I could just use this door right here.
- Aurelia (if present): You realize you're standing in front of a hilariously large door, don't you?
SC4V-TP: Ahhh... the thing is, I was fiddling with the controls and got something stuck in them, so, the door's not working right now. But you can still get in through the side door. Just give them the password, "Arrr!" I shall wait here, a noble-yet-dangerous robot, alone, mysterious, desperate to be loved...
Comm Tower Scav: Another wannabe gang member?! You'd better know the password!
- Athena (if present): Arrr.
- Wilhelm (if present): Arrr!
- Nisha (if present): ... Arrr.
- Claptrap (if present): Arrr?
- Jack2 (if present): "Arrr"?
- Aurelia (if present): "Arrrr!" ... Eugh.
Comm Tower Scav: Yeah, that's the password! You're in! Wait a sec, where's that stupid switch? There ya go! use that to get to the secret entrance and... welcome to the gang!
(Enter Flinder's Needle)
Belly: What we got here, Red?
Red: I dunno, Belly, you tell me!
Belly: That ain't no new recruit, that's for sure!
Red: My thoughts exactly!
Belly: Reckon there's only one thing to do, yep!
Red: Make 'em a cuppa!
Belly: Wait, no! Tear 'em to pieces!
Red: That's what I meant!
Belly: You're weird! Go get 'em, lads!
(Enter Crisis Scar, laser fires again)
Jack: Zarpedon! Cut it the hell out! You got a problem with Hyperion, that's one thing, but there are innocent people on Elpis, you asshole!
Zarpedon: Yes. There are.
Jack: Okay, this chick's a nutbag. You gotta hurry – we gotta get to Helios and take back control of the Eye. But we can't do that until you find out where in Crisis Scar that signal originates and shut 'er down!
(Approach Comms Facility entrance)
Belly: A smug Vault Hunter at the bloody door!
Red: How rude! This is our house!
Belly: You blammo'ed our flippin' turrets!
Red: Crank open the front door and get'em, lads!
(Kill more guards)
Belly: The Vault Hunter's got moooooves!
Red: Nah, they ain't! It's all piss and wind!Let's see what they make of our elite jetpack lads!
(ECHO Recorder in room on ground floor)
Belly: Well, we got here alright.
Red: Showed off our new deputy badges to the guys.
Belly: Which they totally loved! So, big up you, mate.
Red: It's fun being this side of the law for once! It's better, really, this way you get paid for shooting people! Haha!
Belly: Yeah, the blokes are pretty excited about letting rip on anyone who shows up! Hahah – aww, did I leave behind the cuisse and greaves for...
Red: The what and the what?
Belly: The bits for the legs!
Red: Too late, mate. But no one's gonna shot you there, hahaha!
Belly: Ahhhh... I hope you're right, mate.
(end ECHO recorder)
(ECHO Recorder in small room near Stingray)
Belly: Red and Belly sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S...
Belly: ... that's... pretty wrong.
Red: What are ya doin', Belly?
Belly: Nothin'. Singin'.
(end ECHO recorder)
(Engage guards at roof)
Red: You ain't getting past this lot!
Belly: Yeah! They're gonna make you SOOOO dead!
(Kill guards at roof)
Red: Noooooo! She was a badass!
Belly: No she wasn't!
Red: Yes she was!
Belly: Oh. In that case, "NOOOOOOO!" as well!
(Kill more guards)
Belly: Vault Hunter's still coming, Red!
Red: Just in time for tea!
Red: Death. I said death.
(Enter RedBelly Arena)
Red: Finally! A proper bloody fight!
Belly: Well, I just ate... buuuuut let's BOOGIE!
(Title Card: RedBelly – Stand and deliver (your LIFE!))
(Reduce RedBelly to 60%)
Red: That's it! I'm going solo!
(Kill Red and Belly)
Jack: Who the hell were these weirdos? Oh whatever, I'm frigging over it -- just turn off the signal!
Jack: Oh, great! It's busted! Head up to the roof, there should be a maintenance console there. Activate it!
(Reach roof, laser fires)
Jack: Zarpedon, stop pounding the moon with a giant freakin' laser! Are you totally, TOTALLY insane?
Jack: Awesome! Destroy each of the relays – that'll shut down the friggin' signal!
(Destroyed third relay)
- Athena (if present): The signal's off!
- Wilhelm (if present): Signal oughtta be dead now.
- Nisha (if present): Scratch one jamming signal.
- Claptrap (if present): I have deactivated the jamming signal!
- Jack2 (if present): No more jamming signal.
- Aurelia (if present): And so the jamming signal met its end. C'est si bon.
Jack: BOOYA! We got lights up in Helios! We got security, we got fast travel...
The Meriff: Red? Belly? What the flamin' heck's going on over there?! The override signal just went down!
Jack: Who the hell is that?
- Athena (if present): Sounds like the Meriff.
- Wilhelm (if present): The Meriff.
- Nisha (if present): Sounds like that Meriff asshole.
- Claptrap (if present): Audio is compatible with the Meriff's voice.
- Jack2 (if present): That's the Meriff speaking!
- Aurelia (if present): Is that the Meriff I hear?
The Meriff: Wait a minute, you aren't Red OR Belly... Aww, flip!
Jack: The meriff's been working for Zarpedon the entire time! Grrahaaarrr! I'll meet you in Concordia. We need to have a talk with this guy.
- Athena (if present): I'm not torturing anyone for you, Jack.
- Wilhelm (if present): Right. Kill him. Got it.
- Nisha (if present): Like the fun kind of "talk"? Or the dull kind?
- Claptrap (if present): I have heard and understood your euphemistic use of the word "talk"!
- Jack2 (if present): Like – kill him? Or actually... talk?
- Aurelia (if present): Implied violence! Now my dear, you are speaking my language.
Jack: Calm down, we're not gonna hurt him till we find out what the deal is.
(Approach gate to Concordia in Burraburra, Triton Flats)
Jack: I paid the guards a stack of cash, so just walk on through security. Then come meet me when I fast travel down.
The Merriff (over PA): Fellow Concordians, I urge you to remain calm. The battle raging above us is NO cause for alarm. The laser striking the surface is merely speculating for deposits. For your own safety, Concordia will remain locked down for the next several weeks. That is all!
Jack: Screw this. Let's go pay him a visit.
Jack: Like I said, don't get trigger-happy. If he's got info, I don't wanna hear him gurgle it through blood. He has horrible diction to start with.
- Athena (if present): The Merrif's elevator is sealed, remember?
- Wilhelm (if present): The elevator's still barred.
- Nisha (if present): Sounds good, but don't forget the Meriff's elevator's locked down.
- Claptrap (if present): Excellent plan – though don't forget the Meriff has SOMEHOW switched off the elevator.
- Jack2 (if present): I'm liking it, but his elevator's still locked.
- Aurelia (if present): The elevator's locked, you silly boy.
Jack: That's just great.
Moxxi: I do have a recording of the Merrif talking sexy to Sereena, the custom bot's favorite squeeze.
Jack: Nah, that wouldn't work.
- Athena (if present): Could we use that recording of the Meriff talking to the geisha bot? Maybe blackmail our way in?
- Wilhelm (if present): What about the Meriff recording? Could use that to blackmail him.
- Nisha (if present): How about we use that weird Meriff recording we got to blackmail him?
- Claptrap (if present): Perhaps we could blackmail the Meriff with that smutty recording we have of him with the geisha bot.
- Jack2 (if present): Well, remember that recording we got of the Meriff and the geisha bot-thingy? We could use that to blackmail our way in. Maybe.
- Aurelia (if present): We could blackmail him. Sport of kings.
Jack: Yahtzee! Let's go find ourselves one soon-to-be outraged Customs CL4P-TP! Get that recording ready Mox.
CU5TM-TP: Come back here – I am the LAW! The law doesn't make mistakes!
Jack: Hey! Lawbot!
CU5TM-TP: You've just interrupted an officer carrying out his duty.
Jack: Uh, we're here to file a complaint. Your awesome Meriff's been breaking the law. We have evidence.
CU5TM-TP: Breaking the law? Why don't you tell me all about it? Thank you for your concern, citizen – rest assured it shall be logged. Long live the Meriff!
Jack: Mox, hit it!
The Meriff (ECHO on PA): Oh, blimey! You really know how to listen to a bloke's problems, I'll give you that! You sure I can't book you for more, uh, ehhhh.... physical services? I'm a bloody stress volcano right now and could do with the uh, with the um... relief.
Sereena (ECHO on PA): You know that's not what geisha bots are programmed for.
The Meriff (ECHO on PA): Sereena, REALLY? I'm your Meriff! You'd be doing Concordia a public service! I'd make it worth your while – I'm SWIMMING in Dahl money right now!
CU5TM-TP: The Meriff's interfacing with my Sereena?! NOOOOOOOO! I feel so betrayed! And according to my records, the Meriff doesn't have the appropriate paper work to engage in such... activities, which kinda makes my outrage morally justifiable! Awesome!
Jack: Hey, I'm with you, pal! Word is, he's got another appointment booked with Sereena right now.
The Merriff (over PA): Citizens, that was not – that may have sounded like my voice but... I-I-I've been impersonated by... someone who sounds like me! I appreciate you allowing me privacy at this difficult time.
- Athena (if present): This man has no shred of honor.
- Wilhelm (if present): What a douche.
- Nisha (if present): Is this guy for real?
- Claptrap (if present): This guy's corrupting my veracity regulators!
- Jack2 (if present): Man, this guy just doesn't give up!
- Aurelia (if present): (yawning) Oh. You're all still talking, are you?
CU5TM-TP: This guy's SO busted! Without an Interorganic Fraternization License, I'm going to make his life a LIVING HELL!
CU5TM-TP: C'mon, elevator, let's go! Sereena, I'm coming my love!
Jack: This is more like it!
CU5TM-TP: Aaaand, here we go! To the Meriff!
Jack: Seriously? You idiot machine? The offices are UP.
CU5TM-TP: Right! I'm such a kidder! Up we go!
(Enter Meriff's Office)
Meriff's Office PA: Warning. Trespassing on government property will result in your immediate death. Thank you.
Merrif (over PA): Uh, look, no tours today, sorry! Please exit through the gift shop, alright?
Merrif (over PA): Err... I'm not – I'm not here! I-I-I-I... I left the building, that's what I did! I'm gone! Look!
Jack: Officer! Get that door open!
CU5TM-TP: I don't take orders from civilians! However, as I was already going to do that...
The Meriff (over PA): We can talk this out, Jackie – I don't really work for Zarpedon!
CU5TM-TP: Huxter T. Meredith, you are hereby under arrest for violating Elpis ethical code 3110, forbidding unlicensed interplay between – OH MY GOD, you stole my girlfriend you meatbag! OPEN! THIS! DOOR!
CU5TM-TP: Aaargh... Seereenaaa...
Jack: Ha! Talk about your win-win, that's awesome! Let's move it!
The Meriff: Jack, Jackie! Haha, you should have said you were in town! You shoulda said so!
(Title card: The Meriff – Mayor & Sheriff (It sounded better in his head))
Jack: I traced the signal that took down our systems on Helios. Guess what? It came from here – your office.
The Meriff: Signal?
The Meriff: She made me do it!
Jack: Where did she come from? And please, lie to me. I really want you to lie to me.
The Meriff: I don't know! W-What are you gonna do with me?
Jack: Pfff, heh, nothing! I was just messing with you! Get the hell outta here.
Jack: I've been thinking... there's a way back to Helios.
The Meriff (shoots Jack in the back, missing): I surrender!
Jack (kills Meriff): RRGRGGHHH, I was gonna let you live, you DUMB BASTARD! What is WRONG with you?!
Jack: Whoooooah! That was... invigorating! Okay, yeah.
Jack: Where was I – oh, right, my awesome master plan. Taking the fight to Helios is gonna need an army, so – we make one! Head down to Springs', I'll explain on the way. I'm gonna stay here, gonna go through the Meriff's stuff. We're making a freakin' robot army, baby! Hell yeah! Shopping list's simple: some serious combat chassis and top-of-the-line military AI to run them. Word is, Springs is the lady for the AI. Hey Mox, you know where I can build me some kick ass robot bodies?
Moxxi: Since that giant laser's gonna kill, well, everyone, I know who might be willing to scout around for hardware. Lemme talk to them and get back to you.
Jack: Sounds good – let's hustle people! We've got a moon to save!
Mordecai: What'd you think of Jack when you first met him, Lil?
Lilith: Considering he was the guy Moxxi left you for? I didn't like him.
Mordecai: You don't like anybody.
Lilith: I like Brick.
(End Normal Mode)
(True Vault Hunter Mode)
Tiny Tina: Oh my god that was SO MUCH TALKING. Get back to the part where you shoot stuff!
(End True Vault Hunter Mode)
(Return to Concordia, laser fires)
- Athena (if present): That laser just keeps on coming!
- Wilhelm (if present): That laser's annoying me.
- Nisha (if present): That laser's getting to be a real drag.
- Claptrap (if present): For some reason yet to become clear, that laser persists in firing at the surface of Elpis. How thrilling!
- Jack2 (if present): Man, that laser just keeps on going!
- Aurelia (if present): That laser is utterly delightful.
Springs: How ya going? I finally got all my stuff back here. Welcome to my store: "Springs' Emporium O' Stuff". There was an "f", but it fell off.