- "It ain't a free press, but at least it's press."
Four pages of Vol. 30, Issue 161 are included in the Diamond Plate Loot Chest.
- Crimson Raider stronghold levitates, then disappears from sky. Says local woman, "Sup."
- The Pandoran sky changed forever today a the city of Santuary - known to locals as the last refuge of the Crimson Raider resistance army - took to the skies in a stunning display of pyrotechnics, engineering, and good old-fashioned magic.
- Our sources inside Sanctuary claim that Handsome Jack - whom avid readers will remember as the Hyperion CEO who razed New Haven to the ground - found a way to disable the city's shields before launching a massive mortar assault on its denizens.
- More than a dozen Sanctuarians perished in the ensuing chaos.
- "I watched my brother get hit by a stray mortar," a local citizen told us. "I lost my husband - I don't know how I'll go on," another stated. "OH MAN THERE WAS THIS BIT WHEN THE ENGINE WAS CLANG-A-LANGIN' AN' WE WAS IN THE AIR AND I SAID "CATCH-A-RIIIIDE" REAL LOUD CAUSE THAT'S THE THING I SAY YOU KNOW RIGHT AND IT WAS BIGGITY-BADASS, MAN," another citizen told us.
- And indeed, it was biggity-badass. Utilizing the dormant engines of the crashed ship that the Sanctuarians modified into a small town, the town mechanic - with the help of a few Vault Hunters - brought the H.S.S. Sanctuary mining ship back to life.
- And yet, the wonders did not cease. After ascending into the Pandoran sky, Sanctuary, still suffering from Handsome Jack's orbital bombardment, suddenly disappeared in a flash of purple. Our sources say that the maroon spectacle occurred thanks to the actions of a single Siren - a former Vault Hunter, presumed dead after the fall of New Haven.
- Wielding the power of Eridium - which local Xenoarchaeologist Dr. Patricia Tannis informs the Gazette only certain Sirens are receptive to - the Siren temporarily phasewalked the entire city into a seperate plane of existence. The city did not reappear for another several hours.
- "Yeah, that was pretty weird," a Sanctuarian tavern owner told us. "For a good few hours, everything in the city - the floors, the walls, the people - was this kind of weird, transparent purple color. I'm all for indecent exposure, but usually folks have to pay to see through my clothes."
- "Oh man, someone's talking to me," a local steward bot told the Gazette. "What to do - what do I do? Ask me anything. Go ahead. I'm great at answering things. Incredible at it. Don't panic, Claptrap, this is the moment you've been waiting for. Wait, where are you going?" We declined to seek further comment from the steward bot.
- (CONTINUED ON PAGE D20)
Point: Violence is a Corrupting Force
- BY AARON POSLEWYK
- Friends and fellow Pandorans - stop. I understand that this is a world of violence, of horror, and of insanity, but enough is enough. It is time to admit that violence only begets more violence. That fighting evil with more evil serves only to taint our souls and lower us to the level of those villains who drove us to violence in the first place. Now is a time for peace. For reflection. So please, friends - put down your guns. Until we can learn to meet violence with love, Pandora shall never be a place for true heroes.
Counterpoint: SHOOT ME IN THE FACE
- BY FACE MCSHOOTY
- IN THE FACE! FAAAAACE! PUT THE NEWSPAPER DOWN AND FIND ME AND COME TO MY HOUSE AND SHOOT ME IN THE FRIGGING FACE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT'S SO IMPORTANT THAT YOU CAN'T TAKE EIGHT HOURS OUT OF YOUR DAY TO SHOOT ME IN THE FACE? FAAAAAAAAACE! SHOOT! ME! IN! IT! I'M STILL TYPING THIS OUT SO I GET THE IMPRESSION THAT I HAVEN'T BEEN SHOT YET WAIT I JUST REALISED IT WILL TAKE SEVERAL DAYS FOR THIS ARTICLE TO BE POSTED SO NEVERMIND I'LL JUST WAIT I HATE THIS I'M DONE WAITING. JUST SHOOT ME IN THE DAMN FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
- (CONTINUED ON PAGE B12)
Advice Column: Ask Doctor Tannis
- For those of you who possess the (for this planet, anyway) downright startling ability to read, you will be pleased to note that I, xenoarchaeologist and varnish enthusiast Patricia Tannis, have once again returned to the pages of this grease-and-semen-stained rag of a newspaper to dispense my uniquely brilliant advice that you will almost undoubtedly ignore. When you invariably end up dying alone, ina ditch, with only a pile of your own feces to keep you company, you will likely regret ignoring my sage wisdom. Still, there are questions to be answered - let us continue.
- Dear Doctor Tannis,
- My daughter won't listen to me. She refuses to acknowledge that I exist - she only seems to be interested in swallowing bread and spitting it back up a few minutes later. She refuses to let me touch her - she actually burns me if I try - and she hasn't said so much as a single word to me in weeks. What should I do?
- - Twice Burned in Lynchwood
- Dear Twice Burned,
- What you refer to as your "daughter" is, in fact, a toaster. This is a common mistake. Teenage daughters, like toasters, are prone to sudden shifts in mood - docile and room-temperature at one moment, then hot-tempered and impatient the next. They also have a tendency to suddenly pop at the most unexpected of times, startling children and adults alike. You should also exercise care: though I have not tested this experiment on teenage girls, I am one hundred percent certain that French-kissing a toaster will cause irreparable damage to your own tongue, and the toaster's psyche.
- Dear Doctor Tannis,
- Why is everybody in Sanctuary knocking on doors and walls all the time? I literally can't walk three feet without hearing the rhythmic tap-tap-tap-tap on corrugated metal. Who are these people? What are they doing? And how, in the name of everything that is scientific, do I get them to stop?
- - Asprin Addict in Sanctuary
- Dear Asprin Addict,
- I see two possibilities regarding the identity and motives of the wall-knockers. Possibility one: they are simply bored, or insane. This, of course, is the most logical and straightforward explanation. Had Occam not had his throat metaphorically slit with his own razor the moment Scooter and Lilith turned the city of Sanctuary into a teleporting airborne fortress, I would be inclined to trust this explanation above all others. But Pandora is strange. Pandora is odd. And so, I put more of my considerable valuable stock into the second possibility; that the wall-knockers are part of an immeasurably vast cabal who work day and night to usher in the apocalypse. Perhaps they believe that, by repeatedly resonating corrugated metal over and over, they will eventually uncover a frequency that will tear Pandora in twain. Or maybe their constant rat-tat-tat-tatting on Sanctuary's walls is their attempt to summon the Eridians who originally built the Vaults, presumably in the hope that said Eridians will destroy Pandora just to stop the racket. There will be those who disagree, of course. Those who laugh at you for your genius. But worry not - while they will be the ones to perish under a sea of flame and door-knockery, we will be the inspired ones who shall wait out the apocalypse in soundproof bunkers, passing the time eating miniature pizza bagels and reading back issues of Ceiling Chair Aficionado.
- Dear Doctor Tannis,
- I fear I am losing my mind. Pandora has driven me to the brink of madness, and I am not sure if I can handle another moment on this godforsaken planet. I've watched my friends die. I've watched complete strangers murder one another over the promise of a shinier gun. I've seen skags perform horrors the likes of which I will have the good taste not to relay to you within the pages of this newspaper. Suffice to say, I do not know how to handle it. Despite your obvious, if charming combination of Asperger's and incredible condescension, you seem to be relatively sane. Tell me, if you would, Doctor: how do you do it?
- - Losing It in Overlook
- Dear Losing It,
- Constant masturbation.
- Dear Doctor Tannis,
- I have heard you are acquainted with the vault hunter known as "Zer0". I have been meaning to ask - that's not really his true name, is it? Hell, maybe Zer0 isn't even a "he". Do you have any details on this mysterious figure?
- - Curious in Old Haven
- Dear Curious,
- I am indeed acquainted with the towering stack of leather and poorly-written poetry that so many refer to as "Zer0". As you have correctly noted, "Zer0" is not the Vault Hunter's true name. Zer0's actual name and gender are
- (CONTINUED ON PAGE 9)
Local Newspaper Writer Desperate To Fill Space On Page
- Two hundred words. That's a lot of words. I mean, relatively, I guess it isn't - War and Peace was a lot of words. At least three hundred, definitely. But in a world where a headline like "Man eaten alive by giant ape monster" doesn't warrant much more than a shrug, it's hard to find two hundred words worth of news that will actually excite people. So, uh, I mean, what did I do today? Woke up, brushed my teeth, stared at my wife and felt nothing, and went to the rusty shack that my boss calls the "office". Stared at a blank piece of paper, pen in hand, for like, an hour. God, my boss is hot. Mean, though. Told me to fill this space with something interesting, so I nodded a lot and tried to break eye contact cause powerful women make me super uncomfortable. Mow many words we at now? About 150? Good. Almost at the end. Man, my boss is hot. Good thing she doesn't read this, though. Lazy as she is mean. And hot. And so very hot. Wait, does my wife read this? Probably not. Too busy being disappointed in me as a man. Sorry, honey. Love youuuuu.
You Should Probably Just Kill Yourselves, Pumpkins
- A modest proposal from Handsome Jack
- Hey, Handsome Jack here. I'm gonna toss an idea at you guys. Do what you want with it, but just let it sorta percolate. Let it roll around those little basketballs you call your heads. here's my thought. You ready?
- Kill yourselves.
- Now, I know what you're thinking - "hey, I don't wanna do that. I like being alive. If I'm not alive, I can't eat bacon and touch myself before taking a shower in my own feces!" To which I say: fair point. I get it. Many people of your relative intelligence level probably feel the same way.
- But have you ever considered how awesome things would be if you did kill yourself? Lemme paint you a picture. I'm on a beach, right? And I'm looking great. Sun's shining. Tan's looking awesome. I'm bending down to pick stuff up and the other people on the beach are quickly sucking air through their teeth as if to say "daaaamn." And the best part?
- You aren't there. Just picture it. Me, and some really hot celebrities, and a bunch of robots serving drinks, and nobody who looks remotely like you. I don't have to worry about maneuvering myself behind stuff to block you out of my sightline, I don't have to hear your irritating please of "stop," or "why," or "take your foot out of my son's mouth, he's choking on your boot."
- Isn't that awesome? Isn't that the best? If you're not totally convinced, I understand. So let me try to convince you using language you'll understand.
- If you no surrender, me kill you. And it's not that I enjoy it - I totally will - but it'll be hellishly time-consuming for both of us. Me, because of the sheer amount of administrative organisation it'll take in order to systematically wipe out you Crimson Raider morons, and you, because I'm not gonna spend all that money just to not spend a week slowly torturing you and your loved ones to death. I didn't build my Wheel O' Orphans just so I could not spin it every time I felt bored.
- So, to summarize: it'll make me feel awesome, and it'll save us all a bunch of time. I mean, it's gonna happen anyway. Remember New Haven? Remember how fun that was for only me? Since that's obviously going to happen to you jokers in Sanctuary, why not just join in on the fun? We can make a party out of it. We can do musical chairs, except all the chairs have bombs or something. Or we can play "pin the knife to the bandit". Or "everybody stand in a line so I can see how many people I can kill with a single bullet" (my high score is six).
- Either way, I just thought I'd spend a few bucks to get some space in this stupid little rag to remind you that you're gonna die by my hand sooner or later. Ciao!
Continued From Front Page
Missing: My Cat
- Answers to "Tiny Mister Torgue." Have not been able to find him since he ate a grenade and explored in front of me.
- Contact Mister Torgue with any information or if you just wanna hang out or whatever.
- Last seen in Sanctuary. If found, call Brick.
Needed: Medical Volunteers
- It will probably not cure you, but it will be good for science. I hope.
- Contact Dr. Ned if interested.
For Sale: Baby's Gun
- Never fired.
- You: a goliath with a legendary Bandit shotgun. Me: the Vault Hunter who blasted your arm off with my autogun before you escaped. I feel like we shared something (like, say, bullets). We should meet up and finish what we started, because I really want your gun.
- MOXXI I LOVE YOU PLEASE MARRY ME MY LIFE IS MEANINGLESS WITHOUT YOU WHY WON'T YOU ANSWER MY ECHO CALLS YOU KNOW IT'S MEANT TO BE
Prepare for a Fantasy Adventure!
- Gametesters needed for Bunkers & Badasses 4th Edition! Save a beautiful queen! Defeat a handsome sorcerer! Punch a dwarf so hard he explodes!
Subscribe to "This Just In!"
- It's better than this dopey newspaper cause you don't gotta read it.
For Sale: Horse
- Cloned from diamonds. Made an impulse buy a few days back, didn't really think it through. She just kinda takes up space and poops jewelry [sic], which is, like, weird. Answers to "Butt Stallion", even though she's a girl. Like I said, didn't really think it through. $9,000,000 or best offer.
Request: Skag Tongues.
- Food for my bird of prey. Her mother loved them. Send to Sanctuary post office, c/o "M."
Pre-Order Now! "The Beasts of Pandora"
- unless you want to be eaten by Skags, of course.
Did you ever like
- punch a dude in the face so hard that his face flies off and just looks really surprised on the ground even though it's not on his skull anymore cause that's really cool. I don't have anything to advertise, I just wanted to point out that was cool.
- I won't ask where you got 'em from if you don't ask why I want 'em.
- Contact Dr. Zed in Sanctuary.
HELLOOOOO, POSSIBLE NEW FRIEND!
- I'm a CL4P-TP steward bot just looking for love and friendship! I'm smart, I'm agile, and my dance moves have only driven THREE people to suicide!
Each page has one small adverts in the bottom right corner:
- Marcus Munitions - "Lightning grenade? Nope, Chuck Tesla"
- Marcus Munitions - "Mod it, pop it, drop it - Pangolin Adaptive Munitions"
- Slensky Lather Moustache Wax
- Hyperion SMG - "Accuracy. Performance. Hyperion."
- Moxxi Gaming Events LLC - Bandit Circle of Slaughter
- Pan Gun - "Pandora's Largest Second-Hand Gun Retailer You've Never Heard Of"