(sigh) Alright. This is General Knoxx. I don't really want to be here. This planet smells like hemorrhoids wrapped in bacon. I sent Steele to this planet to take care of this little problem and also because-- seriously have you heard her? She talks all the time. And hello, have you met our friend the sun?! So, I guess thanks for turning her into a meat kabob. Also, I'm going to kill you and stuff. Cheers, mate.
Hey man, me again. The Admiral gave me a to-do list for today written in crayon. Seriously, he spelled 'prison' with a picture of a tree and some macaroni glued to it. I work for children... literally, the Admiral is five. Five. Goddamn nepotism. Oh, hey, I sent Gamma team over to kill you. No hard feelings. Love!
Hey again. So I just got a birthday card from the Admiral. It's got a picture of a dragon on it and it says, 'To my special friend on his birthday, flame on!' And the dragon is lighting the candles on a cake with his fire breath... (sigh) That doesn't even make sense to me. That's like mowing your lawn with a nuclear weapon. It's not even my birthday. I need to kill you so I can leave. Maybe just kill yourself and save me the trouble, mate.
Hey, so I guess I was wrong. I thought you were going to be cool and help me get out of here, but... You would not believe the shit that I have to put up with. The Admiral just made me French toast out of a sock and some freakin' gum. Mate, all bets are off, I'm gonna have to kill you now. Hehe, sorry.
General Knoxx update to Admiral Mikey, log file number one. I've just arrived on Pandora and have been investigating where Commandant Steele failed, I mean other than getting impaled by a plate of calamari. Admiral, I expect orders as to my current mission soon. I'll reply when I receive them. General Alphonso Knoxx, out. - Knoxxed Out, ECHO #1
General Knoxx update to Admiral Mikey, log file two. Do I really have to say that every time? Seems a bit verbose when updatin' you on my current actions and ordeals. Anyway, um, perhaps this is some kind of a joke sir. I had begun stock piling the munitions for what I believed to be the mission at hand, that is retaking Pandora to ensure our control over alien technology which ensures our intergalactic dominance, when I received a package from you marked 'Orders: Urgent.' Its contents included: a mix tape, fourteen sponges, and what I believed to be melted chocolate. I expect this situation to be rectified shortly. General Knoxx, out. - Knoxxed Out, ECHO #2
General Knoxx update to Admir -- oh for God sakes I'm not sayin' it anymore! I still have not received further mission orders despite re-establishing the Crimson Lance outposts on the highway to ensure the security of the depot and control transportation. I even retrofitted our soldier force with newer and more energy-efficient weaponry increasing our efficiency by 12 percent. Admiral, I expect a full report within the hour or I will be bringing this matter to a higher authority. Knoxx, out. - Knoxxed Out, ECHO #3
Admiral. I'm not sure if I have offended you in some previous life and you are exacting revenge by watching me unravel at the seams. I have received your sit-rep written with magic marker on the back of a cupcake. It reads, 'Cats are kool!' And you misspelled 'cool'. I did work my entire life for this position. This ECHO is to inform you that I will be running the operation from here and will be ignoring all further transmissions from you. Bye. - Knoxxed Out, ECHO #4
I know I said I wasn't gonna update you again, you brainless moppet, but I thought I would share the news that former Agent Athena has been working with a quartet of donkeys that bested our bulimic albino commandant. You remember Athena, right? Killed the Dahl undersecretary for us a while back? Oh wait, that was before you were born. Unbelieveable. What am I doing with my life? Well, wanted to let you know I'll just be shooting the whole lot of 'em... Oh, and I quit. When this mission is done I'm leaving the Lance, which I know is punishable by death, but the suits that change your diapers couldn't find their car keys if they dropped 'em into their own pockets. So I'm not too worried that you'll track me down on the other side of Grophic IV. In conclusion, toodles. - Knoxxed Out, ECHO #5
Well that's just inappropriate timing. I got tired of waiting and was hoping to be dead before you got here – I can't stand this place.
Make you a deal, if you best me in this fight – which seems likely – maybe you can blow up this planet entirely? Kill all of'em. That's the fairest thing to do...