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It Ain't Rocket Surgery/Transcript

< It Ain't Rocket Surgery

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(Talk to Dr. Spara)

Dr. Spara: Hey, you wanna be a rocket scientist?!


(Accept mission)

Dr. Spara: Rocket science! WOO! I got an idea for a rocket navigation system but I need your help. I need a bunchacrap, go get it, let's do this, believe in your dreams! WOO! Let's learn some STUFF! Kill one of those tork things and gimme its brain! Gonna use that for the guidance system on the rocket! Gonna work YEAH!


(Pick up first tork brain)

Dr. Spara: That tork brain's gonna make this work SO AWESOME!


(Pick up third tork brain)

Dr. Spara: Here are some facts about flying. ONE: You need WINGS to fly. TWO: AWESOME. Grab me a stalker wing for my missile.

  • Athena (if present): Stalkers don't have wings.
  • Wilhelm (if present): These got arms, not wings.
  • Nisha (if present): These uglies don't have wings.
  • Claptrap (if present): Stalkers possess arms with webbing -- these are easily confused with wings, but are functionally dissimilar!
  • Jack2 (if present): I don't think these creatures HAVE wings.
  • Aurelia (if present): Do they have wings? I don't think they have wings.

Dr. Spara: Same diff! Get the wing so my missile can soar!


(Pick up first stalker wing)

Dr. Spara: Just look at that stalker wing! Gonna be SICK when we get it on the rocket!


(Pick up third stalker wing)

Dr. Spara: I need some stalker blood as lubricant. Gonna be gross! SO HYPED! The stalker exam tables probably got some leftover blood to drain. Don't think about how gross it is! Or do! Cause it's still cool!


(Pick up first stalker blood)

Dr. Spara: Just get some more stalker blood and we'll be ACES!


(Pick up second stalker blood)

Dr. Spara: Just one more vat of bloody, greasy stuff and we're good to go!


(Pick up third stalker blood)

Dr. Spara: EWW-SLASH-ALRIIIIGHT! We got what we need! WOO! Come on back!


(Approach Advanced Propulsion Weapon Testing)

Dr. Spara: You ever see that basketball movie? With the song about flying? This is just like that.


(Enter Advanced Propulsion Weapon Testing)

Dr. Spara: Alright, alright, alright! Put the wings and lube on that empty rocket chassis!


(Put on wings)

Dr. Spara: Wing's looking super solid! Now slap some lube on there and BINGBANGBOOM ROCKETS SCIENCE LEARNING!


(Put in lube)

Dr. Spara: BLAM! Now put the tork brain on this rocket! That's our independent variable!


(Install brain)

Dr. Spara: It's in! Let's go launch the rocket!


(Approach console)

Dr. Spara: Now FIRE THE ROCKET! Hypothesis: THIS WILL BE FRICKIN' SICK!


(Fire rocket)

Dr. Spara: BLAPBLAP!

Dr. Spara: That tork has NO IDEA how to drive! WOO!

Dr. Spara: Yeahyeahyeahyeah YEAH!

Dr. Spara: That kinda sucked. Tork brains are dumb. Bring me a soldier brain! Just go kill one of those Dahl guys and TAKE THEIR MIND!


(Attack soldiers)

Dr. Spara: Headshot surgery! POW! Now grab the brain!

Dr. Spara: Try killin' them with a crit! That should pop those brains right out, like POP!

Dr. Spara: That brain's lookin' juicy! SCIENTIFIC ETHICS!

Dr. Spara: One more and we'll have enough!


(Pick up brains)

Dr. Spara: That's EXACTLY WHAT I AM TALKIN' ABOUT! Come on back and we'll test the rocket again!


(Enter Advanced Propulsion Weapon Testing)

Dr. Spara: Alright -- put the soldier's brain in the second rocket. EXPERIMENTS!


(Fire rocket)

Dr. Spara: Now -- LAUNCH! THAT! THINGY!

Dr. Spara: Science! Formulas! Microscopes! LEARNING!

Dr. Spara: Oh man, I hope that glass holds -- I wanna LEARN STUFF!

Dr. Spara: I like the cut of this rocket's jib! Let's split the difference, though: combine the soldier brain AND the tork brain in the SCIENCE BLENDER! Follow me, the blender's over here!


(Place tork brain)

Dr. Spara: Squishy! YEAH!


(Place human brain)

Dr. Spara: LAB STUFF!

Dr. Spara: Come on, press the button! THE SCIENCE BUTTON!


(Blend)

Dr. Spara: BLENDING!

Dr. Spara: Frickin' experiments are so COOL! That's too goopy to pick up, though. Shoot it with an ice weapon to get-it-more-solid. I stashed a freeze gun for you cause science is all about being prepared and hiding freeze guns everywhere. BAM, I'M SMART!


(Freeze brain)

Dr. Spara: It's congealed! I'm feeling it! Let's go pop it in the rocket!


(Place brain)

Dr. Spara: And LAUNCH!


(Fire rocket)

Dr. Spara: THREE-TWO-ONE BLASTO! WOO!

Dr. Spara: Oh, man, it's heading for my house!

  • Athena (if present): You're not actually a scientist, are you?
  • Wilhelm (if present): You're not actually a brainiac, are you?
  • Nisha (if present): You're not really a scientist, are you?
  • Claptrap (if present): Forgive the question, but -- you're not a real scientist, are you?
  • Jack2 (if present): So you're not... ACTUALLY a scientist, are you?
  • Aurelia (if present): So, you're just drunk, then.

Dr. Spara: YEAHHHHHH! WE DID IT! SCREW MY HOUSE! SCIENCEEEEE! LET ME GIVE YOU A REWARD!


(Turn in)

Dr. Spara: What if dogs could TALK?

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