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Krieg/A Meat Bicycle Built for Two (Transcript)

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(A bandit is investigating a man who has been hung from a large metal frame by the hand. As the bandit keeps moving towards the body, Krieg is sitting on a rock, banging his buzz axe on a rock. He notices the bandit, and walks behind him)

Krieg's inner voice: I don't know the dead man. Probably didn't deserve what he got. Doesn't make him special, though; all kinds of people die out here: the innocent, and the not-so-innocent. If I'm lucky, he hasn't noticed me, yet. I want to warn him. I want to tell him to run, to hide, get out of sight so I won't have to kill him. That's what I want to say. What actually comes out of my mouth is-

(Krieg charges at the bandit)

Krieg: I have the shiniest meat bicycle!

(He jumps off a makeshift metal fence and raises his buzz axe. The bandit turns around and screams as Krieg lands and kills him)

Krieg's inner voice: Heh. Close enough.


(Krieg is walking on a train track)

Krieg's inner voice: This is me.

Krieg: I'm ready for a spine-tingler!

Krieg's inner voice: Yeah, great. Hey, remember back when we were sane?

Krieg: She can taste the bloody hatred!

Krieg's inner voice: Guess not. Still can't hear me, can ya? The little voice in your head trying to remind you of a time we could go hours- days, even- without screaming about our desire to ride bicycles made of meat? I don't even remember.

(Krieg looks around confused as he hears a noise, and then turns around to see a train coming straight for him)


(Krieg jumps out of the way. When he looks up, he sees Maya standing on the platform)

Krieg's inner voice: Oh, god. She's armed with a Maliwan SMG. She's a Vault Hunter. She's a Siren warrior who can kill me with her brain.

(Maya turns around and sees Krieg)

Maya: What the hell, is that a Psycho?

(Krieg stands up as Maya walks towards him cautiously)

Krieg's inner voice: She's the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Tell her she's as gorgeous as a thousand sunsets. Tell her you need her help. Tell her to rescue you, and care for you, and, whatever you do, do not scream the word "poop" at the top of your lungs.

(Krieg points his finger at the sky and waves his buzz axe)

Krieg: I'm the conductor of the poop train!

(After staring at him for a moment, Maya jumps off the platform. Krieg looks down disappointedly as she begins firing at him. He runs back and forth before diving behind a rock for cover)

Krieg's inner voice: It's over, idiot. You're going to die here and now, and the last words out of your mouth will have been "poop train".

(A group of Rats jump off the edge of a building behind Maya and start running at her as she reloads and continues firing at Krieg. One raises his weapon)

Krieg's inner voice: Oh, great. Now the Rats are arriving. Turn around, Siren! Turn around, or you're dead! Tell her to look back, now!

(Krieg looks over the over the rock, waving his buzz axe)

Krieg: Strip the flesh!

Krieg's inner voice: No, listen to me.

('Krieg looks over the rock, waving his buzz axe again.)

Krieg: Salt the wound!

Krieg's inner voice: Yeah, great, we'll salt all the wounds later, but right now if you don't listen to me, she's going to die, and it's going to be your fault!

(Krieg pops out of cover and hefts his buzz axe)

Krieg: [anguished guttural cry] Turn around, pretty lady!

(Krieg hurls his buzz axe. It travels over Maya and hits the Rat right on the head. He makes gibbering noises as Krieg runs over, jumps over Maya and, landing on the Rat's head, pulls out his buzz axe before jumping off. Maya looks on, puzzled)

(Krieg laughs maniacally as he kills two bandits, before embedding his buzz axe in another bandit's skull)

Krieg: That's the stuff! I'm gonna put my pain into your soul!

(The Rat standing in front of him faints out of fear. A Rat attempts to jump on him, but as Krieg turns around, Maya phaselocks him. Puzzled, Krieg looks at Maya, before jumping up and killing the Rat as the Rat screams)


(Krieg pulls his buzz axe out of the Rat's body)

Krieg's inner voice: Now tell her, "thank you". Tell her that because of her, we might actually, one day, be able to act like a normal person again.

(Krieg turns around, pointing his finger at Maya and waving his buzz axe around)

Krieg: I powdered my cockatiel for the ribcage slaughter!

(After staring at Krieg for a moment, Maya smiles at him)

Krieg's inner voice: Heh. Close enough.

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