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Lost Legion Invasion/Transcript

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Jack: Alright, looks like you've got a shield. Pretty self-explanatory, really -- it'll eat bullets until it depletes. When it does, you've gotta hide and give it time to recharge.

Jack: Hey, just let me activate the defense controls. Few seconds, we'll have turrets, force fields, laser wires - these assholes won't know what hit 'em.

Computer: Critical failure. Helios defense systems are being jammed.

Jack: What?! How?!

Computer: Jamming signal originates from Elpis, Pandora's moon. (Turrets descend)

Jack: Oh crap. Kill the turrets! KILL THE TURRETS!


(After destroying turrets)

Jack: Agghhh, this day gets better and better!

Jack: Alright, plan B! If we can't take Helios back, we need to evacuate! Escape ships are this way!

Zarpedon: We MUST take this ground!

  • Athena (if present): Who's this woman?
  • Wilhelm (if present): Who's this drama queen?
  • Nisha (if present): Who's the crazy chick?
  • Claptrap (if present): Who's she? She seems angry.
  • Jack2 (if present): Hey, other Jack! Who was that woman?
  • Aurelia (if present): Who's THAT woman? She sounds as if she eats with her hands.

Jack: I, uh -- she leads these jackasses, I think? I dunno. But the first person to shoot her in the head gets a high five and a turbomansion.

Jack: Alright, let me get this door - the escape ships are nearby.


(Opening door)

(Cutscene: Escape ships)

Jack: Ohhhh, son of a taint.

(Escape ships are shot and Zarpedon's mech lands)

Jack: Hey, it's that Colonel! Execute plan-shoot-that-chick-in-the-head!

Zarpedon: Hello, Jack.

(Intro cutscene - Colonel T. Zarpedon)

(Jack shoots towards Zarpedon)

Alien: (blocking bullets) Naughty.

(Intro cutscene - ?????: ...?)

(End cutscene)


Jack: Okay, that's unnerving. RUN!

Jack: Aw, perfect, she destroyed the ships! We gotta find another way off the station.

  • Athena (if present): I've never seen a creature like that. What was it?
  • Wilhelm (if present): What was that alien-lookin' thing?
  • Nisha (if present): What was up with that freaky alien?
  • Claptrap (if present): What the heck was that creature?
  • Jack2 (if present): What the hell was that?! I didn't sign up for this!
  • Aurelia (if present): That alien is EXCEEDINGLY ostentatious. What is it?

Jack: Uh, no idea, but I get the feeling it could kill us with its brain, so y'know, uh, keep running!

Tassiter (through ECHO): Jack, what the hell is going on? I'm getting reports of alarms all over Helios.

Jack: Uh, nothing, sir, everything's fine. Just, uh -- one of the Claptrap units tried to french kiss a light socket. Sir.

Tassiter: Need I remind you tha you are there to observe Pandora, nothing more! If you incur any damages to the Helios Space Station, I will personally --

Jack (mimicking poor signal): --Ahhh, (kzzt) sorry sir, we're (kzzt) losing connection, I can't... sor...

Jack: Asshole.

Tassiter: What?

Jack: I called you an asshole cause I thought I hung up? My bad.

Tassiter: We will speak again, John.


(Reaching the outside)

Jack: There's Elpis. That friggin' jamming signal is somewhere down on that cracked rock, messing up all the cool security stuff up here. (Lost Legion Fighter attacks)

Jack: Son of a TAINT! Hey, why the hell are you attacking us, you dicks?

Zarpedon: I want this station, and I want to save the universe.

Jack: The hell's that supposed to mean? We just wanna leave, you jerkasses! Chill out, you frickin' lunatics!


(After fight)

Jack: What are these maniacs doing? We can't even have a real military up here, they're just murdering workers! And us, if we don't move it!


(Approach Moonshot Cannon)

Jack: Okay, well, I've got a stupid idea -- we're gonna head to that Moonshot Cannon. Follow me!

  • Athena (if present): What's this "Moonshot Cannon" we're heading toward?
  • Wilhelm (if present): So, what are we doing? Somethin' with a cannon?
  • Nisha (if present): So what's this Moonshot Cannon you were talkin' about?
  • Claptrap (if present): Um, you mentioned a Moonshot Cannon?
  • Jack2 (if present): Um, what is this "moonshot" thing we're headed for, again?
  • Aurelia (if present): "Moonshot"? Sounds gauche.

Jack: Basically a huge gun that shoots supplies down to the moon's surface like at about a thousand miles an hour. We're gonna get in one of containers and escape that way.

  • Athena (if present): Will we survive that?
  • Wilhelm (if present): Is that safe?
  • Nisha (if present): That sounds pretty cool. We gonna die?
  • Claptrap (if present): Uhhh, is that gonna kill us?
  • Jack2 (if present): And that's, uh... survivable, is it?
  • Aurelia (if present): Ho-ho! Exciting! What are our chances of survival?

Jack: I dunno. Be a pretty cool way to die, though, huh?


(Start fight)

Zarpedon: They're at the Moonshot Cannon! Move in!


(Normal Mode)

Lilith: You had no idea why these Dahl guys wanted Jack dead?

Athena: I had suspicions. Money. Revenge. That said, who ever needed a response out here?

(End Normal Mode)


(True Vault Hunter Mode)

Tiny Tina: So who are these soldiermens?

Brick: You'll find out.

Tiny Tina: Nahhhhh, I wanna know now. Athena, who are the soldiers?

Athena: Abandoned Dahl forces who went insane and wanted to stop Jack from getting to the Vault.

Brick: Hey! Spoilers!

Tiny Tina: Nahnahnahnah. I always wanna know all the things immediatemente. Like how I skipped to the end of the Swordchair trilogy. Superweird that Daniella just chokes on a cookie and died.

Brick: WHAT?! SPOILERS!

Tiny Tina: Deal widdit deal widdit hashtag deal widdit.

(End True Vault Hunter Mode)


(Cutscene: Lost Legion soldiers jumping from ledge)

Flame Knuckle: Be cleansed with heat!

Jack: Uh... kill that guy, I guess?

(Intro cutscene - Flame Knuckle: KILL THIS GUY)

(End cutscene)


Jack: SON OF A TAINT! Kill the burny guy! Kill the burny guy!

Jack: He's out of his power suit!


(Killing Flame Knuckle)

Jack: Man. That guy really likes fire. Elevator's over there. Let's go.


(Normal Mode)

Brick: This is kind of exciting.

Mordecai: Yeah. Our story just began with is getting off a bus. This sounds all explosive and stuff.

Lilith: Stop complimenting the prisoner.

(End Normal Mode)


(True Vault Hunter Mode)

Tiny Tina: Oooh. Explosions! This is exciting.

Brick: That's what I said!

(End True Vault Hunter Mode)


(Approaching the elevator)

Jack: We can get in the moonshot up there. Let me get the elevator. Dammit, something's jamming the elevator up there. Gotta figure something out... Alright, weird idea, uh -- let me work the loading terminal.


(Moonshot cylinder lowered)

Jack: Alright, you get into the moonshot cylinder and ride it up. Ooh, watch your step, that'll be a hell of a fall.

  • Athena (if present): Roger.
  • Wilhelm (if present): No problem. I'm real good at not falling off stuff.
  • Nisha (if present): Thanks for the warning, guy.
  • Claptrap (if present): I will do my best to not fall to my death!
  • Jack2 (if present): Uh, this might be a problem? Cause I got a thing with heights, and, uh, -- oh god.
  • Aurelia (if present): Aren't you the sweetest thing! Darling, I'm much too WEALTHY to die.


(Stalling)

Jack: C'mon! Get into that giant bullet-shaped thingy! Clock's a-tickin'!


(Entering Cylinder)

  • Athena (if present): I'm in, Jack.
  • Wilhelm (if present): Let's get movin'.
  • Nisha (if present): Second largest bullet I've ever been in.
  • Claptrap (if present): I am inside the moonshot shell!
  • Jack2 (if present): This -- this is a... pretty big bullet.
  • Aurelia (if present): Come on, then! Giddy up!

Jack: Hold on -- I'm gonna spin the cylinder.


(After being elevated)

Jack: Did you make it up there? Free up the elevator so I can join you.


(Stalling)

Jack: Hey man, is everything okay up there? / Something's blocking the elevator -- get rid of it so I can join you!


(Seeing FIX loader stuck in elevator)

Jack: Yeesh, he got wedged in tight. Eh, no big deal, though, they can't feel pain. Just bash him outta there.


(Melee robot)

Jack: Ugh, these loaders bum me out -- no wonder Dahl took over us so easily. I need more soldiers. Badasses. Like you.

Jack: Woo! We made it! Alright, we just gotta get into a moonshot container.

Dahl Soldier: The greed of Hyperion shall not --

Jack: -- After we kill THIS asshole!


(Killed asshole)

Jack: Great. Alright -- that's twice you've saved my life. Uh, now, we just gotta -- oh, for -- what the -- the autoshot controls are damaged! Somebody's gotta stay back and launch the pods manually.

  • Jack (to Athena): I'd suggest Athena, but I need you on Elpis. You're the only person I can trust to save this space station.
  • Jack (to Wilhelm): I'd suggest Wilhelm, but I need you there on Elpis, crackin' skulls.
  • Jack (to Nisha): I'd suggest Nisha, but you're way to pretty to die.
  • Jack (to Claptrap): I'd suggest the Claptrap, but I need you down on Elpis finding a way to save this place. God, I can't believe I just said that.
  • Jack (to Jack2): I'd suggest my body double, but he's way to hot to die.
  • Jack (to Aurelia): I'd suggest the newbie, but... eh.
  • Athena (if present): Roger. I'll find a way to save Helios. You won't have died in vain. If you die.
  • Wilhelm (if present): What was that? I wasn't listening.
  • Nisha (if present): That kinda stuff doesn't work on me, cowboy.
  • Claptrap (if present): I probably won't let you down!
  • Jack2 (if present): Getting uncomfortable now.
  • Aurelia (if present): Terribly sorry. I've got a hearing problem when it comes to poor people.

Jack: Alright, new plan: I'll stay behind. I need you down on the moon -- you gotta find that jamming signal and shut it down. Otherwise, we'll never get control of the moonbase and we can kiss that Vault goodbye.

  • Athena (if present): You're staying? You'll likely die.
  • Wilhelm (if present): You really gonna stay? I'd better get paid if you bite it.
  • Nisha (if present): You sure about this? Probably gonna die up here.
  • Claptrap (if present): Are you sure about this plan, Jack? It may result in your horrible dismemberment!
  • Jack2 (if present): You're gonna stay and die? Shouldn't we switch places or something?
  • Aurelia (if present): Awhhh. You're not tremendously bright, are you, darling? You're certain to die up here.

Jack: Eh, you saved my life a couple of times, I'm repaying the favor. Besides, I'm a hero, baby -- self-sacrifice is a part of the job.

Jack: Oh good, a health machine. I had one put in here after a worker had an accident and, uh... lost his torso. Better heal up before your trip down to the moon, heh-heh! Might wanna grab some ammo, too. Supply's over here.

Jack: We need to get a moonshot container up here -- normally we'd load some supplies, but this time, you're the cargo.


(Lowering a container)

Jack: Okay, this container oughtta do the trick! So, the container's all ready, just get into it.

  • Athena (if present): Does this container have restraints, or -- It does not. Great.
  • Wilhelm (if present): This doesn't seem safe.
  • Nisha (if present): I'm probably 'bout to die, aren't I? ... Eh.
  • Claptrap (if present): Boy oh boy -- I do NOT feel very safe right now!
  • Jack2 (if present): Oh, I'm already so regretting this decision.
  • Aurelia (if present): I must warn you, Jack, this is dangerously close to being interesting.

Jack: Yeah -- I'll see you after you shut down that jamming signal!


(Stalling)

Jack: C'mon, hurry -- we gotta get to Elpis and find that jamming signal!


(Entering the container)

Jack: Cool, I'm closing the container. Watch your limbs. Loading you into the delivery chamber. This is gonna be LOUD. And slightly awesome.


(Normal Mode)

Lilith: You're telling me Jack -- Handsome Jack, the guy who MURDERED my boyfriend -- stayed behind while you escaped?

Mordecai: Like. Hell.

Athena: Whether his decision was heroic or purely strategic, I can't say. But if Jack hadn't stayed behind to eject the pod, I might well have died on Helios.

Brick: Pff. Your story is making Handsome Jack kinda sympathetic. I hate it.

(End Normal Mode)


(True Vault Hunter Mode)

Tiny Tina: Man whaaaaat? Jack didn't do nice stuff, that's rrrubbish.

Brick: It's cool. He becomes a dick by the end.

Tiny Tina: Mmm. Dickalicious. Ew ew. Why did I say that? Ew.

Brick: Ew. Tina. That's just nasty.

Tiny Tina: Ewewewewewewew.

(End True Vault Hunter Mode)


Jack: Alright, we're ready to fire! Whenever you're ready, I'll shoot you to Concordia -- it's the biggest town on Elpis. I know someone there who can help you find that jamming signal.


(Cutscene: Assault on Control Center)

Lost Legion Soldier: There he is! Open fire!

Jack: Oh, crap. *ejects Moonshot pod*

(A woman on Elpis sees Helios being bombarded with explosions, followed by a fiery moonshot to her location. She investigates the pod.)

(End cutscene)


  • Springs (to human): Hello? Hello? Hello, thought you might be salvage. You're about to die. You okay? Well, I can answer that -- you're not okay. The second you open this door, all the oxygen is gonna vent and you're gonna suffocate. It'll hurt a lot and your eyes will pop like grapes when the pressure differential gets too harsh. So, here's my plan: when you're ready, open the door and follow me to my oxygen bubble. Sound good? Don't answer. Conserve your oxygen.
  • Springs (to Claptrap): Hello? Hello? Hello, thought you might be salvage. Great thing about being a robot is you're not about to asphyxiate. You okay? Well, you are at the moment, not needing air and all that -- lucky you. But there's still plenty of stuff out here that'd love to kill ya. So, here's my plan: when you're ready, open the door and follow me to my oxygen bubble and we can talk. Sound good? Don't answer, I already know it does.


(Open door)

(Intro cutscene - Janey Springs: Black marketer. Heart of gold.)


(Traversing Elpis)

  • Claptrap (if present): Damn my psychosomatic need for oxygen!
  • Springs (to human): This way! Don't think about the grapes thing!
  • Springs (to Claptrap): This way!

Springs (to human): Here, I'll turn on this Air Dome Generator so you can get a breather!

Springs: Nearly there! It'd be embarrassing if you died now.


(Reaching shelter)

Springs: Everybody good? Nice to meet ya. I'm Janey Springs, junk dealer. Who're you?

  • Athena (if present): I'm Athena.
  • Wilhelm (if present): Wilhelm.
  • Nisha (if present): Nisha.
  • Claptrap (if present): I am an experimental prototype known as FR4G--
  • Jack2 (if present): The name's Jack... babe.
  • Aurelia (if present): Lady Hammerlock. I own a planet. It's not a big deal.
  • Springs (to Athena): Well hello.
  • Springs (to Wilhelm): I like your cybernetic eye. And beard.
  • Springs (to Nisha): The outlaw bandit-killer? I've heard of you.
  • Springs (to Claptrap): --Cool.
  • Springs (to Jack2): Well. Nice to meet you, Jack.
  • Springs (to Aurelia): Works for me!

Springs: So what are you doing here?

  • Athena (if present): We need to get back to Helios Station, but we can't until we take down a jamming signal somewhere on this moon.
  • Wilhelm (if present): Trying to get back to Helios. There's a jammin' signal around here we gotta take care of first, though.
  • Nisha (if present): Need to get back to that bit H in the sky, but there's a jamming signal somewhere on the moon. Gotta bust that first or we'll just get kicked out again.
  • Claptrap (if present): There is a signal somewhere on the moon that is jamming Helios Station's defenses! To return to Helios, we need to destroy the jamming signal!
  • Jack2 (if present): There's a jamming signal somewhere around here. Need to shut that down and head back to Helios Station.
  • Aurelia (if present): Something about a "jamming signal"? I was paying effectively ZERO attention.

Springs: A jamming signal? Haven't noticed anything like that. You might wanna get to Concordia -- little citty run by a fella called "The Merrif". Gotta be somebody there who can help you. You'll need an O2 kit -- "Oz kits", we call 'em -- to survive the journey, though. I've got some broken ones stashed nearby, but I can repair 'em for you. Even if you ain't the breathing type, you'll be glad you've got an Oz kit. Head to these coordinates and clear the place out.


(Approaching building)

Springs: That building used to be in one piece, and not lava-adjacent -- 'till the Crackening, anyway.


(Failing to open locked building)

Springs: Oh, I forgot I locked it. Whoops. Just punch off the locks with your meathunks. That's moon for "hands".


(Entering building)

Springs: Could you kill all those baddies for me, too? Not excited about being mauled again.


(Collecting kits)

Springs: Voila! One Oz kit. Great for breathin' double jumpin' and slammin' enemies. Now, to repay me for saving your life, you're gonna end someone else's. His name's Deadlift, he's nearby, and he's an asshole. He's also got something I'll need us to get into Concordia.

Springs: You cleared the place out? I'm coming down -- just bring the broken Oz kit to me and I'll repair it for ya.

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