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No Such Thing as a Free Launch/Transcript

< No Such Thing as a Free Launch

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(to do: missing quotes for Athena and Claptrap)

(Accept mission)

Cosmo Wishbone: Greetings, adventurer! I, Cosmo Wishbone, polymath extraordinaire, require your brutish assistance! I intend to bless this moon with music of my own composition. To do so, on the grand scale, I shall send a satellite into orbit. To these ends, I have built a rocket. Almost. Help me complete it and you will become part of my story. Interested?

Cosmo Wishbone: To complete the rocket, i require several key items, and will reward you handsomely for their procurement. First, go forth and fetch me a flow regulator. I have provided your ECHO device with the location of just such an item! A flow regulator will help control Excelsior's throttle. And apologies about the noisy neighbors.

Cosmo Wishbone: I could have done this myself, of course -- I'm known to be a highly proficient warrior with a gun. But I am in the middle of applying the finishing touches to my latest exploration into sound -- in A minor -- and it needs to be ready in time for the satellite launch.


(Reach Pumping Station in Outlands Spur)

Cosmo Wishbone: Ah, colorful locals! Don't let them discourage you -- onward!


(Reach flow regulator)

Cosmo Wishbone: Excellent work! I'd stand well clear of that hydraulic pump if I were you. Without that flow regulator it might get a teensy bit... angry.


(Take flow regulator)

Cosmo Wishbone: Perhaps I should have mentioned the potential for an explosion! Never mind! Dust yourself off and let's proceed!

Cosmo Wishbone: Now, I need a flight data recorder. My sources tell me the old Drakensburg recorder's in the grubby hands of a simpleton junk collector named Tony Slows. I've uploaded his location to your ECHO device. You should be able to snaffle it when he's busy showing you his ridiculous collection of worthless junk!

Cosmo Wishbone: Tony Slows has been boasting about having THE Drakensburg's black box on the ECHOnet bulletin boards for WEEKS! Nincompoop that he is, it sounds like he might actually have it.


(Approach Tony Slows)

Tony Slows: Don't touch the exhibits! Ahhh! A visitor to view my famous collection of rare starship parts! Make a small donation and we'll get started!

Tony Slows: When I say "donation", it's more the obligatory kind.


(Pay $10) Tony Slows: Oooh, what a pleasant surprise. Now, let the grand tour begin! Uh, and keep your meathunks off the exhibits, or else you and I are gonna fall out -- and that will get real ugly.

Tony Slows: This here's the escape pod ejection system from the Starship Gigantic -- destroyed on its maiden voyage after striking a comet. All eleven thousand people on board were killed when their escape pods launched -- only to smash into each other! Hee-hee-hee!

Tony Slows: This looks like a birdcage, right? Wrong. It's the power core regulator from the solar liner Crusade, which exploded in space-dock when someone removed it for dusting. They tried to put it straight back but the Crusade was, y'know... EXPLODED.

Tony Slows: And the tour continues this way, if you'd like to follow me...

Tony Slows: The best thing I've got's this flight data recorder from the Drakensburg! She suffered a critical engine failure during the Crackening, and came down not too far from here. Had to fight off a lot of competition to get it. I don't mind rolling my sleeves up when I have to.

Cosmo Wishbone: Goodness! That's actually it! The data recorder -- just take it! Take it now!

Tony Slows: Finally, this is a panel from the hull of the starship Wendell Jones. All hands were lost when the ship's cook managed to open an exterior hatch door instead of the fridge! That kind of ship design's obsolete now, hee-hee-hee!

Tony Slows: Well, hope you enjoyed the tour, and come back soon! I'm always adding to my impressive collection!


(Take data recorder)

Tony Slows: HEY! NO HANDLING MY EXHIBITS! You're not here for the tour at all, are you? You darn CROOK! I am very cross now.

  • Athena (if present): This is my quest item.
  • Wilhelm (if present): What? This piece of crap?
  • Nisha (if present): Wow, look how pissy it makes you!
  • Claptrap (if present): (missing)
  • Jack2 (if present): Yeah, well, kinda too late.
  • Aurelia (if present): Just picking up a quest item, don't worry yourself about it.


(If Tony Slows is killed)

Cosmo Wishbone: Well, I didn't expect such a... ROBUST defense from Tony. Still, progress demands sacrifices from us all!


Cosmo Wishbone: Finally, Excelsior needs a gyroscope for stability. I'll update your ECHO post-haste! The local ingrates won't be too happy about you taking it, but I'm sure they can be reasoned with!


(Approach location in Triton Flats)

Cosmo Wishbone: You approach the gyroscope now! Fend off those pervasive scavs!


(Kill scavs and approach gyroscope)

Cosmo Wishbone: Honestly, there's no talking to some people. You wait, though! I will send the universe into raptures once Excelsior powers into the heavens and my music plays for all to hear!

  • Athena (if present): (missing)
  • Wilhelm (if present): This what you wanted?
  • Nisha (if present): Your music better be worth this pain in my ass!
  • Claptrap (if present): (missing)
  • Jack2 (if present): Yeah, yeah, everyone's a musician.
  • Aurelia (if present): Right. So, what am I doing with this gyroscope, then?


(Take gyroscope)

Cosmo Wishbone: Excellent! We're almost there. Return to my lab and I'll show you genius at work! You may have a little trouble with the neighbors again.


(Give items to Cosmo)

Cosmo Wishbone: Most wonderful! Excelsior is now almost ready to launch! One task remains, however. Shugguraths are now most vexingly proximitous to my rocket! We cannot risk a collision -- get them out of my way!

Cosmo Wishbone: Oh, trouble finds me and I am most displeased! Get rid of them!


(Killed shuggurath)

Cosmo Wishbone: That's it! She's ready to go! Join me in the viewing gallery for a front row seat as my beautiful creation unleashes audio bliss!


(Return to Cosmo)

Cosmo Wishbone: In three... two... one... Launch!

Cosmo Wishbone: Yes! Yes! YES! Fly, my beauty, fly!

Cosmo Wishbone: Trajectory looks good! And... LET THERE BE MUSIC! (Classical music plays)

Cosmo Wishbone: And wait for the trill! (Dance music starts)

Cosmo Wishbone: What? No! What's happening?!

DJ Boom: DJs Boom and Rang comin' atchya both decks loaded, mashing it up liiive with the big time -- here with a Pirate Radio shout out to the Elpis Massive!

Cosmo Wishbone: No! No, this cannot be! My music cannot die! I will boost the signal despite the considerable physical danger in which this places me!

Cosmo Wishbone: I need... more... power... YAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!

DJ Rang: DJs Boom and Rang, we'll come back atchya ever time! Throwing this out here to everyone who represents!

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